i want to sleep.

i don't know what's wrong with me. maybe i'm missing something in my life and my brain wants me to figure it out overnight instead of in the daylight when problems should be solved...or at least in dreams. my problems are not getting solved while i lay here in bed...miserable because i can't fall asleep. early today i could have fallen asleep in an instant, now that i'm in bed, i'm wide awake. i hate it.

i'm going to visit mark at the hospital tomorrow. it has become my friday ritual. it's so hard. when he was at home, i could pretend everything was ok...maybe he just lost his job instead of having an incurable disease. you know? i could trick my brain. now that he's in the hospital, i can't play mindgames with myself. this is real. he might not come home again...and it's so very real. going to the hospital makes it even worse. i really am going to lose one of the most important people in my life. after both of my grandmothers died, i thought it would be a long time before i had to face death again. at least 30 years. right? people aren't supposed to die when you're 26 or they're 38.

i don't know if i'm strong enough to do this. i want to hide so that no one can make me feel like a bad person for not going to the hospital. i don't want to answer my phone because having to face the responsibility that everyone else seems to be laying on me is too much. everyone is worried about vanessa and i feel like i'm supposed to fix her. i can't. i want my mom or my older sister or my dad or my brother or someone other than me to take on this responsibility. it's too much. i always feel like i'm not doing enough. that no matter what it will never be enough because i can't stop him from dying.

i can't even help pay the bills. and i'm not very helpful when it comes to syd. she's so confused and there's nothing i can do to help her. how do you explain this to a 2 year old?

i don't know what to do anymore. i don't know how much more i can take. i just want to feel useful.